Wednesday 4 August 2010

Voices in my head, shut the fuck up

I was lying awake in bed last night (see I was trying to sleep so I could get up at a time that wouldn't be considered by normal people to be late afternoon, but couldn't because the previous two nights I'd been awake till 0600 playing Assassins Creed 2, if I ever get into MMORPGs I'm finished) and amongst the multiple things (see below) rattling and chasing each other round my brain like foxes screwing on top of the dustbins I realised I am currently reading Halting State by Charles Stross, whilst listening to audio books of Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom by Cory Doctorow and 1984. How the fuck can I follow all that?

Maybe the propensity (is that even a word?) to flit between websites, articles, media sources and constantly having music playing in the background has given me so much practice I have now elevated my ability to do parallel thought processes to some super power level. Frustratingly, with physical tasks I am still typically blokeish and if someone asks me to do two things at once I'm fucked. Texting whilst walking makes the probability of my face being rudely introduced to a lamppost better than even, and the chances of me tripping over a PERFECTLY FLAT SURFACE almost certain.

I reckon I can switch between sources of consumption types easily, but if I have to actually do anything my brain throws up. If I'm writing anything important, or doing anything which requires a reasonable amount of attention I need to concentrate on it for the output to be anything other than a pile of dung. I don't have to sit down and think about it for hours, I can keep it running in the background so to speak for days and ugly, half formed ideas and theories drag themselves out of the slime for inspection and are either poked, prodded and tortured into a reasonable, sensible plan or are beaten back down with the mental equivalent of a baseball bat. I tested to see if I was understanding all the stories I am consuming and I could explain where the plots had come from and were going, so obviously this 'give-this-thought-process-attention-or-it-will-aggressively-rape-whatever-it-is-being-applied-to, leaving-you-confused-and-frustrated-and-with-more-work-than-you-had-in-the-first-place' rule doesn't apply to consumption.

Anyway this was all going on in one of those 3am oh god, oh god why can't I sleep slightly neurotic moments. Another part of my head was compiling a long list of all the stuff I had to do the next day. Another was getting stressed about not being able to sleep and the increasingly long list and IMPORTANT LIFE CHOICES THAT DEMAND ATTENTION AND HAVE TO BE MADE NAO and money (money's always in there somewhere). Another part was playing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme tune. Yet another was analysing all this in a slightly amused, smug yet intrigued manner. And the final part was telling all the rest to please be quiet(not in those words you understand).

So yeah, that was my head space. Not a mood conducive to sleeping. I had to write the list down and put on some instrumental cello music and wait another 45 mins before I could drift off. I got about half the list done today; but have just realised I've now lost it, which is really going to frustrate me, and it's 2am. Bastards.

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